Navigating the complexities of sexual desire and arousal can be challenging, especially during menopause. Whether it's stress, relationship dynamics, or the natural aging process, many factors can influence your sexual health. The good news is that understanding the science behind desire can empower you to reclaim a fulfilling sex life. Let’s delve into the mechanisms at play and explore practical strategies to enhance your sexual well-being, backed by the latest research and expert insights.
Emily Nagoski, a respected sex educator, dives into the brain mechanisms driving desire and arousal. She explains it with two main components: the "accelerator" and the "brakes." The accelerator picks up on all the sexual cues in your environment—sights, sounds, smells, touches, tastes, or even thoughts related to sex. It's that buzz you felt during the early, spontaneous desire phase of a relationship. Meanwhile, the "brakes" are on alert for reasons not to be turned on, such as stress, anxiety, depression, exhaustion, concerns about pregnancy and STIs, and relationship issues.
In her latest book, "Come Together: The Science (and Art!) of Creating Lasting Sexual Connections," Nagoski provides fresh insights into maintaining sexual intimacy and connection in long-term relationships. She emphasizes the importance of recognizing the normalcy of fluctuations in sexual interest and the need for self-compassion in addressing these changes. Addressing stress and anxiety through therapeutic conversations and stress management techniques can significantly improve sexual health.
Sex therapy is a practical approach to help women achieve the sex life they deserve. Through education, at-home exercises, and personalized counseling, a sex therapist can help you identify and manage the factors blocking your access to arousal and desire. They can also help you rediscover your unique turn-ons. You can find certified professionals at the American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors, and Therapists (AASECT) website.
An excellent online resource is the Rosy app, which was designed by doctors and psychologists. Rosy is the first platform for women dealing with sexual dysfunction and offers educational resources, self-help content, and a library of erotica, which is an evidence-based intervention for low desire. Rosy provides three membership levels, with online sex therapy and a personalized day-to-day plan available at the highest tier.
Vibrator use is backed by multiple studies showing positive effects on all phases of the sexual response cycle. Vibrators can decrease the time to orgasm, facilitate multiple orgasms, and alleviate sex-related anxiety. They also improve urinary incontinence, pelvic floor muscle strength, and chronic vulvar pain, common issues for menopausal women. Clitoral stimulation provides the strongest and easiest orgasms for most women, so a clitoral vibrator is ideal for beginners or those experiencing pain with penetrative sex. If you enjoy penetration, consider exploring penetrating vibrators. Look for silicone vibrators that are phthalate-free, super-smooth, non-porous, and food-grade. Use plenty of lube, and choose a vibrator with varying intensities and speeds to match your preferences. I usually recommend the MysteryVibe Poco for my patients, but remember, the one that's best for you is the "perfect" one.
Lubricants can be helpful to reduce friction during partnered sex and with vibrator use. Avoid products with petrochemicals, parabens, phthalates, alcohols, artificial flavors, colors, or sugars. Here's a quick rundown:
Oil-based lubes are long-lasting and slick but can stain and break down condoms and latex toys. They're great for water play and massages. Try AH! YES OB Plant-Oil Lubricant for a hypoallergenic, skin-soothing option.
Silicone-based lubes are slick and long-lasting, non-staining, and safe with condoms but can affect silicone vibrators and sex toys over time. Überlube Silicone Lubricant is a good choice.
Water-based lubes are versatile, non-staining, and safe with condoms and silicone sex toys, but they dry quickly and need reapplication. Good Clean Love Almost Naked Personal Lubricant is a recommended option.
Albolene is a petroleum based lubricant that is hypoallergenic. It doesn't dry out during use. However, it can be messy and it's a good idea to wash after use.
In summary, many menopausal women experience decreased desire and arousal due to various factors. A healthy sex life is vital for relationship well-being, so prioritize finding what works for you—whether lifestyle changes, counseling, or medication. Remember, the sexual response cycle isn't linear—desire can follow arousal or even orgasm. Explore your body, find what accelerates your arousal and desire, and don't be afraid to set aside time for yourself. A satisfying sex life is possible at any age, and you deserve it!
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